Guilt is an inherent human emotion of which we cannot rid ourselves. A guilty conscience tells us the difference between right and wrong, light and dark, sin and virtue. It permits us to look inward and redress behavioral flaws; if we're lucky, we may even develop a better sense of our behavior and how it affects others. In a sentence, guilt breeds repentance.
But what happens when our guilt is a little too extreme? It is perhaps not a good idea to wolf down five chocolate bars in a row, and we know it, but regardless, guilt soon starts to kick in. That's something we should be wary of; guilt pays you unwanted visits whenever it wants. We feel guilty for the smallest, most meaningless things in our lives. Feel bad for going back to work and leaving your newborn under the care of a stranger? Hello, guilt. Feel horrible for gobbling up not one but two cheeseburgers? Nice to meet you, guilt. Forgot to do your homework and nodded off instead? Long time no see, guilt.
It's hard to purge ourselves of guilt. In fact, it's nearly impossible. Guilt and I interlock arms almost every day, skip down a path, and hum a happy tune. We're well on our way to becoming BFFs.
I sometimes hold myself culpable for having anxiety. I've always thought I brought it upon myself, willed it into existence somehow. Research tells us anxiety stems from a chemical imbalance in the brain, so why should I blame myself for it? This guilt isn't one-sided, however. The people I didn't expect to judge me did. They told me I should be able to keep my anxiety at bay. And if I couldn't, then it was probably my fault. It's all in your head. They drilled this mantra into my head until I couldn't help but feel ashamed, guilty, and weak. There came a point where I simply resigned myself to guilt, bowed down to it, and put myself at its mercy, vulnerable and afraid.
There is no doubt most of us have felt guilt over something, but we have learned to cope with it. However, what happens when this guilt consumes us wholly? When there's no reason behind it? What if we cannot move on? The answer is to simply live with it. Guilt doesn't intend to make us feel bad; it wants to help us change our behavior. But unreasonable guilt blows up insecurities to billboard size. We feel guilt at having eaten those cheeseburgers because we know we should be watching our weight. Because we know that, if we don't, we'll be putting on pounds. But we need to eat. So should we feel guilty for surviving? Unless your goal is to end up like a shriveled corpse, then no.
A few weeks ago my dad shamed me for refusing to read non-fiction literature. I seethed. How dare he criticize my literary taste? I did what most teenagers do: I sulked, ruminated, and wallowed in guilt (fraught with a dose of anger). What if he was right and fiction is in fact "garbage"? It's never too late to acquire a new literary taste, right? Some more rumination later and I wasn't close to figuring out what I wanted. All the while I was feeling bad for having spent all those years reading about supernatural creatures, a crazy man who thinks a race of extraterrestrials abducted him, the same crazy man who thinks he has come unstuck in time, and then there's the crazy man who murdered his father and married his mother (albeit unbeknownst to him). I felt guilty for filling my head with "garbage" when I should've been enlightening my mind with Plato's The Republic or Sigmund Freud's The Interpretation of Dreams. It was then, amid anger and confusion, that I saw an answer beckoning. My guilt was altogether unreasonable. I should not feel guilty for reading. There are enough years left in my life to develop a taste in non-fiction literature, after all. The best strategy I had at my disposal was acceptance. I had to accept guilt as part of the human nature. It's a small fragment of who we are, of who I am. Emotions are identified as either "positive" or "negative," but in reality every emotion is valid. But when we throw self-judgment into the mix, emotions can be very damaging.
I sometimes wonder what guilt and conscience would say if they engaged in conversation:
Enter Guilt and Conscience
Guilt: Hello, sexy lady. Hope you had a nice break from me, but don't worry, I'm never leaving you again. I'm here to stay permanently!
Conscience: Ugh! You again? What do you want? Isn't it enough that I have others things to worry about without you hovering in front of my face?
Guilt: But...I'm not so bad. In fact, I can be very fun! And you know you like mischief!
Conscience: I do not mingle with the likes of you. I'm a lady and if you'll excuse me, I have things to think about.
Guilt: Aw, come on! Don't be such a party-pooper. Loosen up and have fun. Do you know what fun is? It's the one thing you've never had. (Laughs maniacally)
Conscience: Ha, you're so uncouth. Off with your head.
Guilt: You can't escape me. I've ensnared you. So let's make this fun, you and me.
Conscience: (sighs) I suppose I could learn to live with you, but of course, that will never happen. Now, begone demon.
Guilt: Baby, come back! (mockingly).
Conscience: Has anyone ever told you how annoying you are?
Guilt: Once or twice. Has anyone ever told you I'm a nagging force? I'll haunt you so long as you live.
Conscience: You're impossible! Who would want to live with you? You detestable, completely narcissistic, infuriating thing.
Guilt: Oh, so now I'm a thing? I thought I was an emotion.
Conscience: Go to hell. (groans loudly).
Conscience stomps off stage. All exeunt.
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